Trip report - to Dallas via Sydney

QF 509 BNE-SYD

I’m flying “Townsville”, on this flight for the 40th time.

Next to me in economy is a Qantas pilot and a flight attendant. The pilot is recognised by all the crew, and both are fawned over for breakfast. As a Platinum flyer, I’m invisible.

The Qantas pilot loudly tells his FA friend how shit Qantas is, how bad his manager is, and how the company is losing all its best people. I suspect he’s counting the days to his retirement. Interesting that he feels unhappy enough to whinge and moan while in Qantas uniform surrounded by Qantas passengers.

SYD

The bus of sadness between terminals seems to take longer every time I take it, but I enjoy a nice breakfast in the lounge and look forward to getting on board.

QF 7 SYD-DFW

I’m flying “Snowy River”, a four year-old Boeing 787-9. This is the fourth time I’ve done this route; and the second time I’ve been on this plane. It’s delayed by 47 minutes.

I was rather hoping for an upgrade, but one didn’t come. The plane is full, and next to me in economy are two, I would presume, Qantas staff. After hearty welcomes to them, and much laughing, I get a perfunctory Platinum welcome, which informs me that “the bad news is that you’re sitting next to these reprobates!” Much laughter again! I’m then invisible for the rest of the flight, as my neighbours are given business amenity packs, extra drinks, and much attention. I’m a valued customer, apparently.

I show the Qantas bloke next to me how to pair his Bluetooth headphones to the seatback system - you can do that now - so I know he’s called “Brad’s AirPods”. Funny name. Quite a useful new tool. (If you need to know - put the air pods in the case. Open the case. Hold the button on the back down for about five seconds until a white flashing light appears at the front. This puts your AirPods into pairing mode, and the IFE will find them.)

The flight takes fifteen hours, twenty nine minutes. But through the power of the top secret CBP MPC app, I’m swiftly through immigration, and were it not for an hour’s wait for my bag, I’d have been on my way.

DFW

I arrive quite early - four hours early - to the airport, after ascertaining that there’s a Melbourne flight earlier than mine and therefore I should be able to drop my bags. The AA Flagship Lounge includes a local Dallas beer - much like the Flagship in LAX, which has a selection of Californian beer. This is the way Qantas should be - instead, everywhere, Qantas has moved from Little Creatures Pacific Ale to a Cooper’s Pale Ale, and that’s all you get if you don’t want lager. Celebrating Australia’s craft beer seems beyond Australia’s flag carrier.

QF 8 DFW - SYD

I’m on VH-OQK, an A380 without a name, at least according to my app. I’ve flown on this plane twice before (up to London); and this is going to be the fourth time I’ve flown on this segment.

(It’s odd - why would you service this destination with both Boeing and Airbus planes? How does it make sense having to support both at DFW?)

The good news is that the upgrade fairy was good for me, and I’m in business in 12K. It’s been a long five days and I’m looking forward to a big sleep.

The bad news is that the plane was delayed for over an hour; and half that time was “to cool the aircraft down”. When we get on, it was still hotter than the sun, though I hear one of the flight attendants say that she’s been on this plane for the last hour in this temperature so I’ve nothing to complain about. We’re then treated to a further delay after someone hasn’t made the flight, so someone else needs to spend fifteen minutes to rummage around in the hold. Until this happens, we can’t turn on the engines that power the main air conditioning.

While we wait in the sweltering heat, I read the inflight magazine and do an Internet search for “cavatelli”. It’s a form of pasta. Armed with this knowledge, I intend to order it. I’m asked if I’d like a drink after takeoff, so I ask for a Coopers Pale Ale.

We end up taking off 1 hour 21 minutes late, and surprisingly the plane takes quite some time to cool down. Nobody’s drink after takeoff ever appears - nor the exciting aperitivo of “premium salted nuts”, which I note with relief aren’t branded Neil Perry’s salted nuts, because I don’t want to wrap my tongue around those.

The food eventually arrives. I’m asked what I’d like to drink. I ask for a Coopers Pale Ale again, hoping that it might appear this time. They don’t keep beer on the trolley, of course. It eventually arrives. The cavatelli is a bit of a miserable affair with a flavourless tomato sauce. Then, I sleep.

Breakfast was good - decently done scrambled eggs and all that. No offers of a refill of coffee; breakfast given to me while I blearily wake. The service seemed the bare minimum you’d expect. I guess on this flight, you’re just grateful for the flat bed. I know I was. I slept very well.

SYD

We land at 7.34am, sit and wait on the tarmac, finally get to a gate at 8.21, and finally get let out at 8.31. Bags at 8.51 (it’s been opened by security, I notice). Onto the bus of sadness at 9.05. In the domestic terminal by 9.12. And in the lounge, navigating the random missing escalators, with a freshly-made panini and a flat white by 9.20. The panini bar in the business lounge is a new thing, even if it’s just someone heating up some pre-made panini sandwiches.

QF512 SYD-BNE

My next flight is delayed by thirty minutes. It’s on Eudunda, and it’s the 40th time for this segment for me. I “enjoy” a coffee, but don’t go near the macadamia granola bar. I’m 54, I don’t need new things, especially things that contain coconut to that percentage.

We arrive in Brisbane 33m late - but we’re not allowed to get off until the passengers going to Townsville get off, so they can meet their plane. That’s a nice thing to do - and the rest of us happily wait. There’s no problem waiting - the bags take a while to appear anyway. I chicken out of pressing the “request an Uber” button until I actually see my bag, which was a sensible plan.

Then, to an electric Uber, which for me in Brisbane is always the same price as the cheapest Uber X. This one’s a BYD, all Chinese bling inside. But it’s good to be whisking my way home - and as I do so, I notice that this was one of the double-status-points flights I booked earlier in the year, which I’d be excited about were it not that I’ve just requalified for Platinum anyway. Well, it all counts for lifetime Platinum, I suppose…