Trip report: BNE-LAX
I swore that the last one I did of these was my last for the year, but as it happens, I have one more - a quick visit to Los Angeles for two days. And it’s just brilliant so far.
“OOOOH, LOOK! A toothbrush! A comb! Look! That’ll be useful!”
My passport never works going out of Brisbane, but this time, it really didn’t work, giving all kinds of alarms. I wasn’t allowed to check in on the phone app, but I didn’t realise, when I checked in at the desk, that I had the dreaded SSSS note on my boarding pass. This (hopefully) means that it is a one-off extra-strong security check, hence why my passport wouldn’t go in the machine, why I had a stern questioning earlier, and why, later, I got someone peering at my bags and my shoes and the contents of my pockets at the gate. This wasn’t very brilliant, but all was good really. The perk is that if you are given an SSSS security check, you get held in a special area and are first to board the plane. I wonder what will happen in LAX?
“SOCKS! SOCKS! LOOK!!”
Anyway. I’m being flown in business for this flight, which is kind of the company that is paying because it’s definitely not me. So I’m in the pointy end - as are two elderly ladies who are having THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES. It’s the first time they’ve ever flown business, by the sounds of things, and they are well up for it. They’re both deaf, and are shouting at each other in joy.
“THIS SEAT IS VERY COMFORTABLE, ISN’T IT? I SAID - THIS SEAT IS VERY COMFORTABLE!”
As is usual for this flight, as we wait to take off, the FAs wander around taking our order for dinner. “I’ll have the yoghurt, please,” says one of the deaf ladies. “Ah, that’s breakfast,” patiently says the FA. “That comes later. Here’s the dinner menu.” “THE DINNER MENU! LOOK, THEY DO DINNER AS WELL!”
One row behind, an English couple are thrilled to discover that their chairs will give you a massage if you press the right buttons.
“LOOK! HUGH JACKMAN HAS HIS OWN CATEGORY AND EVERYTHING!”
Meanwhile, the two old ladies - who I can’t help but notice are slurring slightly, and may have been enjoying the lounge prior to this flight - are excitedly taking pictures on their mobile phone. The one this side of the cabin is entirely wearing pink - pink leggings, a pink top, and sparkly pink sandals. Her white hair is permed and dyed pink. They hand their phone to an FA to take more pictures. The joy of people in this cabin is infectious.
An old white-haired chap has changed into his pyjamas - “THEY HAVE PYJAMAS!” - and comes holding his shirt, asking for an FA to hang it up for him please. For him, this is an ordinary trip. But the ladies cackle with delight about being offered pyjamas. “Medium/Large? Or Large/XL?” asks one of the FAs. The answer is whispered.
For me, here in 3K, waiting for the delayed flight to actually take off, this isn’t my first flight in business - though I do like business. Nor is it my first flight on this aircraft - it’s my seventh on the twelve year-old VH-EBV, named Kangaroo Island, an Airbus A330-200 which is technically too small for this route. It’s come here via Manila and Auckland, and because this is a 13h9m flight, it needs space for the flight attendants to rest - which is towards the back, where they erect a tent to cordon off the middle seats, and that’s where the staff rest. It’s pretty poor form really, and it’s probably why this flight is always crewed by folk from New Zealand, where the unions are less fierce, and also why we’re getting a proper plane for this route from mid 2025, instead of this tiddly little one. (We lose the NZ staff, I understand, which will be sad, because they’re unfailingly polite and also don’t half talk funny).
We push back 30 minutes late, with the safety video played as loud as it possibly can be. Notwithstanding that, it’s nice to be back on Qantas, rather than the bling and impersonal efficiency of Emirates.
Qantas is, I’m afraid, as oddly ramshackle as it always is. The beef I ordered for dinner is taken to another passenger, and I am given chicken. I’m glad I pointed this out, though I felt a bit bad about doing so, since the beef was very good, actually. I ask for a beer, to much consternation because only wine is on the trolley, so they have to go and fetch it from the front.
My usual “watch downloaded YouTube until you fall asleep” plan is foiled as I discover that many of the videos I had selected had failed to download, marked with an error sign. Not sure why. I finish my book on the siege of the Iranian Embassy in London. I start a book on Elon Musk’s takeover of Twitter.
I sleep. I wake up. Breakfast is made better with my tried and tested honey hack - ticking a box for honey (“for the yoghurt”, I write), and for Vegemite for the toast. Without honey, teased out of the jar with the end of my spoon, the Greek yoghurt isn’t that exciting.
We come in to land. “We can finish watching this movie ON THE WAY BACK!” shouts one of the ladies. They’re still absolutely enthralled at the whole experience. And so they should be - for all of Qantas’s lack of investment into its business product for the last ten years (not least a lack of wifi), it’s still streets ahead of economy.
I say goodbye to the FA team. They’re flying back on Thursday: and so will I be. It’ll be like old times - the gang, reunited again.
I’m one of the first off, in a deserted LAX - waving the completed MPC app in immigration, I’m given the chance to walk down the diplomats line, not that there was a queue anyway. I keep my SSSS-stamped boarding pass quiet, and just hand over my passport; but no dramas. From there, a walk through the baggage claim - I am powered by carry-on today - and out, to the embracing arms of a blisteringly expensive Uber which I’m not paying for, and a one hour drive to a hotel for a social mixer that I’ll be an hour late for.
My trip back? It was the same crew. I had carefully selected a seat in the rear section of business, so that I’d be away from the noisy galley and could sleep. They were excited to see me, and moved my seat so I could be in 1A. I asked politely if I could move back. They seemed a bit disappointed.