A guide to Australia’s five commercial television personalities

So, I don’t watch much commercial television, but I think I’ve spotted Australia’s special secret. It only has five television personalities, and they appear to be continuously shuttled from one studio to another to appear on panel shows as guests while simultaneously hosting their own shows.

Dave “Hughesy” Hughes

A slightly shambolically-presented figure who looks as if off-camera he sleeps on park benches. Gap-toothed, wild-haired and aggressively skinny, none of his clothes appear to fit him properly: when hosting a show, he looks as if he’s been leant a suit to better impress any passing judge. “Hughesy” appears to be a guest on most shows. He’s also on the radio every morning, broadcasting to a city he doesn’t live in with Ed Kavalee (below).

Hamish and Andy

Formerly “Hamish and Andy” from the radio, now “Hamish and Andy” from a few podcasts, and increasingly “Hamish or Andy” for the television. Hamish Blake is a loveable bloke with a quick wit and an impish sense of humour, and a relatable guy who always adds joy to any show that he guests on (which is most of them). He hosted the Australian version of Lego Masters: the perfect host capable of comforting, as well as joking with, contestants. And there’s also Andy.

Grant Denyer

It appears to be written in Australian law that Grant Denyer must be the host of every quiz show, and so he is. As far as I can see, Denyer appears to have a permanent showbiz toothy grin. Denyer is the most likely to have a toothy grinning photo peering out of stores that have paid at least some money to be associated with him: opticians, travel agents, hearing-aid companies or rectal probe manufacturers all appear to have Denyer in a variety of poses adorning their establishments. “In 2018, he won a Gold Logie Award for Most Popular Personality on Australian Television”, says Wikipedia, which comes as a surprise. Wikipedia also, joyously, tells us that one of his children is called ‘Scout’, and one called ‘Sailor’. He presented the Celebrity Name Game on TV, where presumably the answers were with Dave Hughes, Hamish and Andy, Grant Denyer, or Ed Kavalee, because there aren’t any other celebrities.

Ed Kavalee

Just to prove a point, Grant Denyer (above) did 2DAY FM’s breakfast show with Ed Kavalee. And now, Ed is on a 2DAY FM show with Dave Hughes (see above). Surprisingly, he’s 42; rather older than the early 20s that he appears to look. He was previously with Dave Hughes (see above) on Nova. A quick-witted comedian, he’s good if you can’t afford Hamish from Hamish and Andy (see above).

And that’s it. There aren’t any other commercial television personalities that I’m aware of, with the possible exception of Tom Gleeson, but he’s on the ABC so it doesn’t count.