a) Those sausages were cooked to the chef’s satisfaction. It’s not my fault you’ve got wonky eyes and they looked bleedingly red raw. I am in fact very good at cooking. And at least my kitchen doesn’t appear to have been kicked down a hill.

b) I’m from South County Durham, not Tyne & Wear. I’m more Yorkshire than Geordie. I’m as likely to speak whey canny pet man as a gentleman in Dover is to speak fluent French.

c) I think you’ll find you owe me five pounds, as I’m certain everyone will verify.

d) It is indeed my photo, but under no circumstances do I grant you permission to use it.

e) You’re calling me strange? Seriously?

That is all. Goodnight.